Interesting Circumstances

Last night was a rough night. Some times I'll have these random bursts of insomnia in which I cannot fall asleep. I just cannot get myself to be tired and most of the time I feel like I'm going to go insane by 4:00am. But at the same time, some good managed to come from this sleepless state.

During my restless night, I began thinking about a lot of aspects of my life that weren't what they should be. My Bible reading is suffering. My prayer time is suffering. I don't even have a job. Gosh this dumb job situation. Being a guy, I begin to feel completely useless in society and ultimately a complete failure since I don't have a job. A couple days ago I wanted to quit life. I wanted to quit every single responsibility I had because I felt like it would be better without my presence. Even college. Last night while considering my jobless state, I began to feel as though I would never amount to anything. Then I began to think that most of my friends at HU who are film majors seem to exceed in some area of Film. Except me. I have nothing. I have no idea why God put me in the Film program at Huntington because right now I see no outstanding ability in film that will put me ahead of some average Joe off the street. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe I haven't put enough time into my craft in order to perfect my skills and be something good. It's hard to see what I have to offer the film industry. Right now, it doesn't seem like I have anything to offer.

Anyways I sort have digressed. Back to last night.

I couldn't stop thinking about getting a job and what I was going to do about that. I applied to SO MANY places. I'm sure I've exhausted all the possibilities. Finally after fighting with God about the situation, I came to a realization. 

No one is going to do wait on me hand and foot.

No one is going to hand me a job.

No one is going to feel sorry for me.

No one is going to give me opportunities for no reason.

Because that's life. And I have to man up and deal with it.

So instead of telling God why I am a failure and telling him that I'm a wreck, I said, "God, forgive me for the attitude I have infringed upon myself that has effected the people around me. Forgive me for the negative energy I have continued to feed myself. Help me to be the man you created me to be and work hard even in bad circumstance. Forgive me for all I have done this summer that has separated me from you." (That's the shortened version the real thing was like probably half an hour)
I suddenly felt quite tired after that prayer. Finally, I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning tired, but also feeling refreshed. I came to the realization that I was working for money at the moment. I was in the middle of painting my father's office and my parents were paying me for that. Then I was going to paint my mom's in-home classroom for more money. I thought some more and realized that next Friday I'm doing my brother's engagement photos. After some quick calculation I realized that I was going to make $1000 in less than 2 weeks...

Why had I been so complacent with God? He was giving me every opportunity to make money and I didn't see it at all.

While finishing up painting my dad's office, I got an email from one of the places I applied to. In fact, it was from the place I wanted most to get the position. Sweetwater Sound asked me to take some tests so I would be ready for the interview next week.

I sat down after reading the email and said, "Why God? Why are you blessing me? I do not deserve this job. I blamed you for everything. I blamed you for my failure of a life. Why?"

I still don't have an answer to that. I seriously don't. I have no idea why I have an interview. The guy who will be interviewing me happens to the be the guy who was the manager of my band that I was in for 2 years. I've worked with him before. This opportunity trumps all other jobs I could've received.

Why?

God blesses us even though we suck. I am a pretty big asshole sometimes. To my friends, to my parents and even directly to God. His love is beyond my comprehension and his forgiveness is beyond my understanding. 

- Not Blurryface